mcfarlane’s war on christmas

the pictures are online for mcfarlane’s upcoming twisted christmas series. they’re very, uh, mcfarlane. i’ll give them that.

pretty disappointing, though. they’re too generically mcfarlane. the kind of obvious jokes you make in your head, on hearing that mcfarlane had decided to work their dark magic on an actual holiday and not simply a beloved children’s classic.

what if santa claws had freddy kreuger gloves? done. what if mrs. claus was a candy-cane pole-dancer? done. what if the elves and rudolph had big unevenly-edged weapons of indeterminate utility, and rudolph had a big violator demon mouth, and was wrapped in christmas lights as though they were barbed wired bondage gear or some shit? done.

frosty is the only one with any kind of visual punch, but he’s not terribly well executed even for that. and who the hell designed jack frost? he’s got a tiny town under his feet, yet he has massive trees growing out of his back that would have to have trunks a block across. is the scale just off, or are we supposed to buy that this supernatural frost demon god thing just magicked up a stick half a mile long? why isn’t he wielding ice weapons?

and jack frost isn’t even christmas, he’s just winter! you couldn’t even come up with six for your list? where’s the surprise presents, santa’s workshop of death, the reindeer and sleigh collecting naughty children from their homes in the dead of night? where’s scrooge eating babies, tiny tim dying of leprosy, the ghost of marley ruined by his sins, the three ghosts and their terrifying visages? where are the 12 horrible presents that my true love gave to me?

edged weapons and another stripper? that’s not twisted, that’s barely even in poor taste. mcfarlane, you’ve let me down.