i hate john constantine

you know, the keanu constantine movie is totally great, as long as you pretend it’s not a hellblazer movie. keanu is a good actor who is consistently mis-used, rachel weisz and tilda swinton are both awesome in everything, and who doesn’t like a dude battling demons in la? plus it has fantastic visual style, especially in the magic sequences and the underworld.

still, it’s not an adaptation of the comics in any meaningful way. but what can entirely redeem it is the idea that john constantine, hellblazer, english curmudgeon, and one of the most feared humans to walk in the supernatural world, has a cousin, also named john constantine, who lives in california.

so you can make a sequel with the two of them hanging out in new york, comparing notes and fighting demons in the manhatten underground. both are wearing ‘i hate john constantine’ t-shirts, and they secretly fund their demon-fighting by selling these very same shirts online to the underworld characters they spend their time policing.

cue flashback to a young american constantine and his california surfin’ best friend, on their first trip to the underworld as teenagers in the late 80s. ‘dude, our album covers have totally lied to us’. further flashes reveal youthful adventures against evil duplicates, a trip to heaven, and american constantine’s first encounter with death incarnate.

flash forward to american constantine as a young man, being harassed at his crappy desk job by wierd guys in suits, who seem to know all about his personal life, and his nights spent fighting the forces of darkness. he gives them the finger and asks for a phone call, they seal up his mouth with magic and he wakes up in his bed, to a phone call from morpheus, the lord of dreams.

flash forward to american constantine in a black special forces suit fighting demon businessmen in sydney, having super-empowered gun battles and breaking the laws of physics.

flash forward to american constantine fresh out of law school to prosecute the demons he can’t fight on the street, discovering that the head of his new law firm is in fact the devil. angst and self doubt follow.

in fact, if you have him time-lost for some reason, we can do flashes of american constantine fighting vampires in victorian-era eastern europe, and japanese corporate oni in the cyberpunk near-future.